"One Day Can Change It All"
Random thoughts about life #1
What is the meaning of life?

tumblr_m5hjqj07ZJ1rpuxjeo1_500I guess this is like a diary entry for me. I’ve been worrying a lot about my future lately.

Life. What exactly is ‘life’? We breathe and speak and think and eat and drink every day, but for what? What are we living for? What is the goal? What is waiting at the finish line?

"At some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze."
(John Green, "Looking for Alaska")

Life is a maze. We are all wandering around, trying to find our way out of it. But what happens once we make it out of it? What is waiting at the finish line? Is there happiness waiting for us? Will our dreams come true once we escape the maze? Or is simply death waiting for us? What if the goal of life is to die.

'Living and dying are actually different words for the same thing ' - Extraordinary Means, Robyn Schneider

Because in the end we all live, to die one day. And one day we will die, because we lived.

And I thought about this a lot lately, the meaning of life. And the reason for that is pretty simple. I just graduated from High School, and ever since I was in 5th grade, I knew what I wanted to do afterwards. But now that the time has come, I’m freaking scared. Lately I feel like I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. When I think about my future, about where I see myself in 6 months, I see nothing. It’s black. Like I won’t be here anymore in 6 months. I am confused and scared. I may be 18 but I’m still a child and people are expecting from me that I have my 10-year-life-plan finished and planned out. But I don’t. I can’t even decide what to have for dinner tomorrow. So how am I supposed to make such important decisions?

Ever since I was in 5th grade I knew I wanted to go to College. College in the USA! College, USA, NYC. That was it for me.

That has always been the dream. And naive as I was I kept holding onto that dream. Then suddenly I was in junior NYWLY-Heroyear and started to realize how expensive a US-College is and how many tests and documents you have to get. Lots and lots of money. And that frustrated and depressed me. I thought that was the end of my dream. I had breakdowns and cried a lot. But then I started talking to Colleges that actually help you with the financial aid, so called ‘need blind admission’. And I thought, Hey, maybe there still is a chance for me to achieve my dreams.

I’ve been wanting this all my life and I refuse to let my financial situation define my future. I know that I can do it. I want this and I will do it. I will define my future myself.

tumblr_mcq5zhGBhy1rbod8yo1_500I just need to learn how to relax, to take things slower. I always rush things, I always want to be the best and I am a perfectionist. And now I need to learn how to breathe. I need to breathe and I need to relax. And then I will figure things out, step by step.

I need to learn to enjoy my life and be happy with what I have right now. I need to learn to appreciate what I have. Everything will work out eventually. And I shouldn’t be ashamed or sad if I go to College 6 months or 12 months later than planned. I can’t plan everything. I need to stop living for my family and start living for myself. No matter what you do, someone won’t approve of it. So stop trying to please others and instead please yourself. It’s your life. You have to live it, you are the one who’s trying to get out of the maze. You need to enjoy every single moment, no matter what anyone say.

Because you never know what tomorrow brings. I could get hit by a bus or win the lottery. No one knows what life has planned for you. large

I need to stop living in the future. I need to live in the present. I need to live NOW.

I need to enjoy every single day. Because we are born in one day. We die in one day. We can change in one day. And we can fall in love in one day. Anything can happen in just one day. I simply need to enjoy every single day that I get.

All my life I’ve been such a pessimist, always looking at the bad side of things, scared of taking risks, scared of disappointing anyone. “Why enjoy today when you can worry about tomorrow.” Was the motto of my life.

And that’s wrong. It’s my life. And I will make decisions for MY life. And I will make wrong decisions. Lots and Lots of wrong decisions. But I will also make good decisions. And I will work hard for what I want, and I will do it for myself. I will live and I will live for no one else but me.

Everything will be okay.

I don’t know where I will be in 6 months. And I still don’t know what I will have for dinner tomorrow.

But that’s okay.